funniest.dad

All 99 dad jokes

Every one on file, numbered in the order it was told. Click a joke to read it on its own page, or browse them by category.

  1. Dad joke #1 Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
  2. Dad joke #2 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
  3. Dad joke #3 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  4. Dad joke #4 I used to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me.
  5. Dad joke #5 Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
  6. Dad joke #6 I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
  7. Dad joke #7 What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
  8. Dad joke #8 Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  9. Dad joke #9 Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything.
  10. Dad joke #10 I'd tell you a chemistry joke. But I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
  11. Dad joke #11 What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
  12. Dad joke #12 How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
  13. Dad joke #13 I asked my dog what two minus two is. He said nothing.
  14. Dad joke #14 Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
  15. Dad joke #15 I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
  16. Dad joke #16 What's brown and sticky? A stick.
  17. Dad joke #17 Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
  18. Dad joke #18 What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
  19. Dad joke #19 I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
  20. Dad joke #20 Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
  21. Dad joke #21 Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
  22. Dad joke #22 What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
  23. Dad joke #23 What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
  24. Dad joke #24 Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
  25. Dad joke #25 How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
  26. Dad joke #26 I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  27. Dad joke #27 What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.
  28. Dad joke #28 Why did the maths book look sad? It had too many problems.
  29. Dad joke #29 What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
  30. Dad joke #30 I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
  31. Dad joke #31 Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
  32. Dad joke #32 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  33. Dad joke #33 I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
  34. Dad joke #34 What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
  35. Dad joke #35 Why did the golfer bring two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one.
  36. Dad joke #36 Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
  37. Dad joke #37 I'm worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered.
  38. Dad joke #38 Where do fruit go on holiday? Pear-is.
  39. Dad joke #39 Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
  40. Dad joke #40 What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
  41. Dad joke #41 I've got a great joke about construction. I'm still working on it.
  42. Dad joke #42 Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? They were watch dogs.
  43. Dad joke #43 How do you organise a space party? You planet.
  44. Dad joke #44 What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
  45. Dad joke #45 Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.
  46. Dad joke #46 I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
  47. Dad joke #47 What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
  48. Dad joke #48 Why did the invisible man turn down the job? He couldn't see himself doing it.
  49. Dad joke #49 What has four wheels and flies? A bin lorry.
  50. Dad joke #50 My son asked if I'd seen the dog bowl. I said I didn't know it could.
  51. Dad joke #51 How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
  52. Dad joke #52 Why don't crabs give to charity? They're shellfish.
  53. Dad joke #53 I told a joke about a roof once. It went over everyone's head.
  54. Dad joke #54 What's a vampire's favourite fruit? A neck-tarine.
  55. Dad joke #55 Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.
  56. Dad joke #56 I got fired from the orange juice factory. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.
  57. Dad joke #57 Why did the belt get arrested? For holding up a pair of trousers.
  58. Dad joke #58 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
  59. Dad joke #59 Why did the clock get sent out of class? It tocked too much.
  60. Dad joke #60 What's a skeleton's least favourite room? The living room.
  61. Dad joke #61 How do trees get online? They just log in.
  62. Dad joke #62 What do you call a dad who has fallen through the ice? A pop-sicle.
  63. Dad joke #63 Why did the phone go to the optician? It had lost its contacts.
  64. Dad joke #64 What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away.
  65. Dad joke #65 Why are lift jokes so good? They work on so many levels.
  66. Dad joke #66 What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
  67. Dad joke #67 Dad, I'm hungry. Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.
  68. Dad joke #68 What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  69. Dad joke #69 Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crummy.
  70. Dad joke #70 I told my son I'd build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen his face when I drove pasta.
  71. Dad joke #71 Why did the mushroom get invited to every party? He was a fungi.
  72. Dad joke #72 What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for school? Bison.
  73. Dad joke #73 How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
  74. Dad joke #74 Why did the tailor get promoted? He was a cut above the rest.
  75. Dad joke #75 I've started sleeping in the fireplace. Now I sleep like a log.
  76. Dad joke #76 What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
  77. Dad joke #77 Where do sheep go for a haircut? The baa-baa shop.
  78. Dad joke #78 Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.
  79. Dad joke #79 What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.
  80. Dad joke #80 What do you call an alligator in a waistcoat? An investigator.
  81. Dad joke #81 Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
  82. Dad joke #82 Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
  83. Dad joke #83 Why did the stadium get so hot after the match? All the fans left.
  84. Dad joke #84 What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
  85. Dad joke #85 How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
  86. Dad joke #86 What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.
  87. Dad joke #87 Why can't a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  88. Dad joke #88 What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
  89. Dad joke #89 What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.
  90. Dad joke #90 Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher said it was a piece of cake.
  91. Dad joke #91 What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
  92. Dad joke #92 Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? It was well armed.
  93. Dad joke #93 What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  94. Dad joke #94 The shovel was the greatest invention of its time. It was ground-breaking.
  95. Dad joke #95 I asked the lift attendant how his day was going. He said it had its ups and downs.
  96. Dad joke #96 Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks.
  97. Dad joke #97 What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? A mathemachicken.
  98. Dad joke #98 Why did the baker stop making doughnuts? He got tired of the hole thing.
  99. Dad joke #99 Why can't your hand be twelve inches long? Never mind, that's the nose one again.