funniest.dad

The funniest dad. Allegedly.

My son disputes the title. So I'm putting the evidence in front of you, one exhibit a day. Read it, groan, give your verdict.

Exhibit 47

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.

All the evidence

Every exhibit on file, numbered in the order they were committed. Click one to see it alone and pass judgement.

  1. Exhibit 1 Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
  2. Exhibit 2 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
  3. Exhibit 3 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  4. Exhibit 4 I used to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me.
  5. Exhibit 5 Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
  6. Exhibit 6 I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
  7. Exhibit 7 What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
  8. Exhibit 8 Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  9. Exhibit 9 Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything.
  10. Exhibit 10 I'd tell you a chemistry joke. But I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
  11. Exhibit 11 What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
  12. Exhibit 12 How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
  13. Exhibit 13 I asked my dog what two minus two is. He said nothing.
  14. Exhibit 14 Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
  15. Exhibit 15 I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
  16. Exhibit 16 What's brown and sticky? A stick.
  17. Exhibit 17 Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
  18. Exhibit 18 What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
  19. Exhibit 19 I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
  20. Exhibit 20 Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
  21. Exhibit 21 Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
  22. Exhibit 22 What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
  23. Exhibit 23 What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
  24. Exhibit 24 Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
  25. Exhibit 25 How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
  26. Exhibit 26 I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  27. Exhibit 27 What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.
  28. Exhibit 28 Why did the maths book look sad? It had too many problems.
  29. Exhibit 29 What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
  30. Exhibit 30 I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
  31. Exhibit 31 Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
  32. Exhibit 32 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  33. Exhibit 33 I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
  34. Exhibit 34 What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
  35. Exhibit 35 Why did the golfer bring two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one.
  36. Exhibit 36 Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
  37. Exhibit 37 I'm worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered.
  38. Exhibit 38 Where do fruit go on holiday? Pear-is.
  39. Exhibit 39 Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
  40. Exhibit 40 What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
  41. Exhibit 41 I've got a great joke about construction. I'm still working on it.
  42. Exhibit 42 Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? They were watch dogs.
  43. Exhibit 43 How do you organise a space party? You planet.
  44. Exhibit 44 What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
  45. Exhibit 45 Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.
  46. Exhibit 46 I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
  47. Exhibit 47 What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
  48. Exhibit 48 Why did the invisible man turn down the job? He couldn't see himself doing it.
  49. Exhibit 49 What has four wheels and flies? A bin lorry.
  50. Exhibit 50 My son asked if I'd seen the dog bowl. I said I didn't know it could.
  51. Exhibit 51 How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
  52. Exhibit 52 Why don't crabs give to charity? They're shellfish.
  53. Exhibit 53 I told a joke about a roof once. It went over everyone's head.
  54. Exhibit 54 What's a vampire's favourite fruit? A neck-tarine.
  55. Exhibit 55 Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.
  56. Exhibit 56 I got fired from the orange juice factory. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.
  57. Exhibit 57 Why did the belt get arrested? For holding up a pair of trousers.
  58. Exhibit 58 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
  59. Exhibit 59 Why did the clock get sent out of class? It tocked too much.
  60. Exhibit 60 What's a skeleton's least favourite room? The living room.
  61. Exhibit 61 How do trees get online? They just log in.
  62. Exhibit 62 What do you call a dad who has fallen through the ice? A pop-sicle.
  63. Exhibit 63 Why did the phone go to the optician? It had lost its contacts.
  64. Exhibit 64 What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away.
  65. Exhibit 65 Why are lift jokes so good? They work on so many levels.
  66. Exhibit 66 What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
  67. Exhibit 67 Dad, I'm hungry. Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.
  68. Exhibit 68 What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  69. Exhibit 69 Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crummy.
  70. Exhibit 70 I told my son I'd build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen his face when I drove pasta.
  71. Exhibit 71 Why did the mushroom get invited to every party? He was a fungi.
  72. Exhibit 72 What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for school? Bison.
  73. Exhibit 73 How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
  74. Exhibit 74 Why did the tailor get promoted? He was a cut above the rest.
  75. Exhibit 75 I've started sleeping in the fireplace. Now I sleep like a log.
  76. Exhibit 76 What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
  77. Exhibit 77 Where do sheep go for a haircut? The baa-baa shop.
  78. Exhibit 78 Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.
  79. Exhibit 79 What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.
  80. Exhibit 80 What do you call an alligator in a waistcoat? An investigator.
  81. Exhibit 81 Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
  82. Exhibit 82 Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
  83. Exhibit 83 Why did the stadium get so hot after the match? All the fans left.
  84. Exhibit 84 What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
  85. Exhibit 85 How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
  86. Exhibit 86 What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.
  87. Exhibit 87 Why can't a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  88. Exhibit 88 What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
  89. Exhibit 89 What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.
  90. Exhibit 90 Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher said it was a piece of cake.
  91. Exhibit 91 What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
  92. Exhibit 92 Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? It was well armed.
  93. Exhibit 93 What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  94. Exhibit 94 The shovel was the greatest invention of its time. It was ground-breaking.
  95. Exhibit 95 I asked the lift attendant how his day was going. He said it had its ups and downs.
  96. Exhibit 96 Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks.
  97. Exhibit 97 What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? A mathemachicken.
  98. Exhibit 98 Why did the baker stop making doughnuts? He got tired of the hole thing.
  99. Exhibit 99 Why can't your hand be twelve inches long? Never mind, that's the nose one again.